I've made it through the last few days, especially yesterday, after walking passed the liquor store with the demon on my shoulder saying < Just get a small bottle of red wine...no one will know....you're all alone.....just this one time>  

That demon was with me in the car too....trying to talk to me.....trying to convince me that I was okay now and I should be able to handle just this one day with a little bottle of wine.

Boy!  It was tough to fight him off, but I'm so grateful I did.

What triggered that?  It took me a while to figure that one out....  It started when I ran in to a "dating" friend of mine...someone I dated a few times, but knew deep down that he wasn't for me.   I ran into him, and the thoughts of us drinking red wine together entered my mind instantly.   This is what we did the last time we were on a date.   Loneliness set into my heart and mind and seeing him put crazy thoughts into my head like "....if I'm not drinking, I'll be single forever..."  There are not too many single guys out there that are gonna be sober or want to be with someone who is sober.  I know...I know...I'll meet someone one day....but I'm just saying, the good ones are few and far between....know what I mean?

I haven't been to a meeting in almost two weeks and I know that it's affecting my thought patterns.  I also know that I have to take time for them but life sometimes gets too hectic and bammo...I forget to take care of me.  I plan on doing a couple of meetings this weekend...I promise.

I've also promised myself to get out of this " I feel like shit stage...so much that I"m too lazy to get my ass in shape kinda thing"  

I swear that I'm part bear.  I want to eat...eat ...eat ...sleep ...sleep...sleep ....and friggen hibernate until the sun comes out again.   

Oh!  I love that little script thing on the bottom of my sidebar.  It keeps track of my sober days for me!  What a great tool to have.  Now instead of counting days and having to keep track of them, the counter does it automatically.  I can send you a copy of the link for this if you'd like it.  :)

I'm almost scared.  I haven't craved alcohol since my last relapse.  I actually love the feeling of being free from it!  It's not around my house....anywhere..... I have no fears of getting caught with booze in my house....(by my kids).. I have no worries about driving anywhere anymore. ( I never drank and drove but I avoided going places because I'd rather drink)......My bank account is happy again....and so are the bags under my eyes....almost gone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still tired.... I just have to fight off different things besides booze....like the winter blues....and all the weight I've gained since I quit drinking again...other everyday stresses in my life.   I haven't worked out once in the past month and I find myself feeling the effects from this.  I just have to find the motivation to run again!

I also have to be aware....aware that the demon still lies within me somewhere....I've hurt him because I've taken my power back....but I know that he will try to come out again...when I least expect it.

This time, I feel different.   Good different.  I like the freedom.....

Ten Things I'm Grateful For....pass it on.....

1.  My 3 beautiful healthy children

2.  My health

3.  My career

4.  My home

5.  My calmness and spirituality that I'm discovering

6.  Food

7.  Sleep

8.  A new day

9.  The sun

10.  I'm an alcoholic

I'm grateful that I'm an alcoholic because if I wasn't, I don't think I'd be living the way I am.  I live a more spiritual, grateful life than I see most people living.  So many people worry about the little things in life and let their minds get carried away in negativity.  In AA meetings, I hear people say they are grateful for being an alcoholic and at first I didn't fully understand what they hell they meant.     Living as an alcoholic ...(I now like to say "recovering alcoholic") ...brings us to living Fully Alive.....the place I wanted to be for a very long time!

Have a great day!

My God really did take my cravings away....but I am always aware because I know the beast is lurking....

Jen  

P.S.  I'm not counting days anymore.....I'm just done..... My sobriety date will be stamped on the blog and I will celebrate monthly.  

I've been to a couple of AA meetings this week and it's funny because I really didn't feel like going to the meetings in the first place....not because I don't think I belong there.....but because I was lazy and it was damn cold outside.  But I went and I am so very grateful that I did.....

What an amazing feeling to be able to spill your guts out to people that totally understand what you're going through!  It's indescribable.   What amazing stories we hear around the tables, stories from all types and all ages.....  The best part is that in each of their stories, I hear something that is directed toward me and my life.....it's gotta be an act of God...speaking to me through these people....showing me how to live.... showing me that sobriety is the best thing I can ever do for me....for my kids....

I've heard a couple of people say that they were grateful for being an alcoholic.   What?  Why would people say such a thing?  Why would people be grateful for having a disease and going through recovery and struggles with alcohol?   It's because, when we discover sobriety, we discover life again!  We learn that there is so much to be grateful for.....we live for today...one day at a time.....  We learn to let go of resentments....we learn to forgive ourselves ....we learn to forgive others.....we accept things that we can't control.... we become patient....more loving......open ....and honest......We become exactly what God wants us to be.   (God aka Higher Power or Creator)

As I look around at people in todays' society, around the staff room, or in public..... people are so caught up in the world that they forget to be grateful, forgiving, patient, loving, accepting, honest.....  It's hard to stay away from so much negativity.  We are surrounded by it on a daily basis......  It's almost tiring.  It's funny but when I was drinking, I never really noticed how uptight and negative people were.....probably because I was uptight and negative myself.....  I was so cranky and stressed out a lot of the time, wondering how I was going to fit in my next drink when I had hockey or gymnastics....I was much more impatient, anxious, uptight, and crazy when I was drinking, that's for sure.   

But today, things have changed for me.  I've had a little bit of a spiritual awakening.  I feel so happy and calm and so very grateful for my life.  I haven't wanted a drink at all since my last relapse.  I am definitely feeling like I'm done fighting!  I'm also sleeping so well.....OMG!  You all know how much I love my sleep!

I am working on Step 3.  That was the topic of discussion today.  When I spoke I mentioned that I believed in God and that ....but I struggled with this:   How do I know if the decisions I'm making in my life are the ones God wants me to make?  How do I know that I'm living in accordance to His will for me?    I learned that I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I already knew that but I think I needed to hear it again.  I learned that we have to listen to the signs.... God will send us signs to help us in our decision making.  I knew that already too.   I have to stop analyzing everything that is happening around me and just let it be...just let go....whatever happens ...happens.... everything happens for a reason.....

Today's Daily Reflections talks about loneliness.  Something caught my eye in the read and I thought I'd share it with you.  

Our staff had many parties in the past, almost once a month.  At least 10 - 20 people would attend these parties, until the drunks started getting wild and crazy, including me.  After a few months, staff parties began to occur every few months and included maybe 8-10.  People weren't coming to them anymore and it took me a while to figure out why.......

Last month's party only brought 7 around the table, including me, a drinker.   

The Reflection says:  Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured with loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.

The thing that gets me here is that I blamed my Relapse on loneliness.  I thought I was lonely because I wasn't drinking and had no drinking buddies left.  I failed to see that I have a lot of other people in my life that I could call and do things with...  I failed to see that people don't like to be around drunks.  This is what I realized that night ...people don't want to be around me when I'm drunk.    One sober lady was totally disgusted in me because I kept farting loudly....not caring that it was rude and annoying and stinky.  If I was sober, this wouldn't have happened.  I'm embarrassed when I see this person at work now.   

I, myself, was annoyed by my drunk buddy.  She was extremely negative that night..... She's always negative, come to think of it....I'm not sure why I didn't see it before.   I don't like to be around negative people and here I am drinking with my buddy who bashes everyone and everything in sight.  

I'm not alone in this world.  Today, I can actually say that it's the solitude that I enjoy now....  I have 3 beautiful children, 4 beautiful sisters, a mom and a dad and great friends and God.  I just need to surround myself with that on a daily basis!


"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.  Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."

Step 3 at my AA meeting ...Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

 
I always believed in God and truly believe that everything happens for a reason.    This is a tough step for me because living in accordance to God's Will is very confusing at times.   How do we know when we are doing something selfishly or for God?  How do we let go of wanting the things we want in our lives and allow God to take over?  

I've questioned my Spirituality for many years now.  I've always seem to be lacking it.  I've always wondered how to get more of it.  I've always believed that God's been with me along my journey in life, through my hard times and not.  He sends me messages often.   

I think that when my mind was in a fog, with alcohol, I was too busy to wonder what God wanted me to do that day.   I was so busy and obsessed with drinking that I missed a lot of the special moments God sent my way on a daily basis.... those stolen moments...for example...as I type right now, my son has his hand resting on the back of my neck.... my moment. 

I want to focus on this Step for a few weeks.  I will start my morning, my well rested morning, with the Serenity Prayer.   I will ask God to guide me.   I will let Him take over, take the wheel.   I will concentrate on the special moments in my life and be so grateful for the chance to see them...to feel them.....

  

The Book says we need one thing to focus on Step 3:  Willingness

I can tell you, with all the shit I've been through, including the relapse last week, I'm willing to do anything to stay here, where I am today. sober and free.

From the book:

Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God— or, if you like, a Higher Power—into our lives. 

I learned so much about myself in the last month.  I believe I had to have a relapse in order to discover who I really am and what I want in this crazy life of mine.

At my AA meeting last night, we talked about Step 1...  to admit we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

I think it took the relapse to help me realize that my life is unmanageable when I'm drinking.   I became a nasty women that only focused on getting my next drink.  I was miserable!   I was cranky and short tempered with my kids and felt like shit of course because of the hangovers.  I spent money I didn't have, fell behind on housework, and lost track of time....special moments.  Life was just chaotic!  Most importantly, I lost sleep!   My favourite thing in the whole world.  

I'm sooooo grateful that my relapse only lasted two weeks and I was strong enough to realize that I don't want this drinking life anymore.   I want the peace and tranquility I felt for 77 days, my longest bought of sobriety.   It was me!  It's who I am now.  It's who I want to be forever. 

Don't get me wrong, life is still hectic, but doing all the things I have to do, without worrying about my next buzz is much better. 

Sometimes, it takes a while to realize that our lives are really unmanageable...especially if you're like me...  the type that says I'm doing great....I got my shit together, my kids are fed, I go to work everyday, I deserve a drink.

But, when you experience that freedom from the drink for a length of time, the way I did, you realize that it's a special place to be.... one you want to keep.....forever!

Letter to My Drunk Buddies

Sent 5 minutes ago

Hi L and J. I love you two so much. You both know how I feel lately about my drinking and shit. I quit for 77 days and felt amazing. I want to get that back. So I've decided that I can't drink anymore. Me and booze don't mix. I don't sleep, I get bags, I feel nauseated, and feel like shit when I drink. So why do it! 
I'm done with it. I've went to 3 AA meetings this week and I'm telling you this confidentially because I trust you. I also want you to know how much sobriety means to me. I need to break the cycle for my kids. 
I truly love you two and want to do shit together that is booze-free. Dinner and movies... Walks, coffees.... 
I hope you understand an I know you will support my decision! 
Xoxoxoxo

My day was crazy!  I can't believe I went from one activity to the next, with little breathing time in between.  I even made it to the Women's Group AA.   It was awesome.
I'll post more about what I learned tomorrow
Goodnight
I will sleep tonight!  Yay......

Sleep.....damn I love sleep.  I finally slept all night....after two weeks of drinking ......Sleep rocks!

Thanks for all your loving support.  It means so much to me.

I'm going to a Women's Group AA Meeting tonight and I can't wait!  I do have to leave my son's hockey game for it, and I hope he understands later on in his life how important this is to me.

Day 2 again and proud to be here because I know how good it feels again!

I sat in my car in front of the church.  My heart pounded and I felt nauseated.  My biggest fear was to walk into the meeting and see someone that I know, or even worse, see a parent of a child that I teach.  I am, realistically, supposed to be a perfect role model.  How can I be a teacher, and a "drunk"?

I waited for about 20 minutes, contemplating going back to my warm snuggly house or walk into an AA meeting and admit to people that I'm an alcoholic.  I've been trying to become sober and human for the past 8 years....  quit drinking, start again, feel like shit, quit drinking, start again, feel like shit......

I made it to 77 days this time around.  November 1st, I picked up a drink, actually a case of beer, and my drinking buddies were soon to be found at my house, getting drunk with me...the friend they lost for a while.  I was happy!  I had a great night!  We laughed and picked up where we left off....  I had my friends again.   They had me again!

I have thought about alcohol for the last 11 days and already I'm exhausted.  I didn't drink in front or around my kids...thank God it didn't get to that....it actually almost did one night.....  but the moment they were off to their daddy's for a couple of days, bammo!  I was drunker than a skunk, with my two drinking buddies.....having a dance party, laughing, stumbling, and just not giving a shit about me.

Why do I want day 1 again.....even though it is very embarrassing to start over?  Because, I haven't had a good night sleep in 2 weeks!   Even last night, found me drinking a 6 pack of tall boys all alone.   Didn't sleep much.   Bags are enormous under these eyes and I'm already bloated all over my body.

I found myself at an AA meeting tonight for a couple of reasons.  I can't do it alone.   Even though I have all you blogging support buddies, having someone drag me to a meeting and tell me it's going to be all right is different.  Secondly, I need to meet people that don't drink.

I decided to get out of my car.....walked up the path to the door and stood there.  I tried to peek in....just to see if I knew anyone...and bammo, this cute little old man was right there.   We had small chat and I told him how terrified I was.   He grabbed my arm and said ...come on....you'll be fine.... and led me down to the basement of the church.  He was so sweet, introduced me to the program and the people.

Then, my worse fears came true.  A step-parent of a child I teach, walked in..... Fuck!  What could I do now....it took me everything not to run off....but then what good would that do.....he would still know I'm a drunk!     Why else would I be in the basement of a church on a Monday night?

The older man kept trying to talk to me and I just wanted to crawl into my chair.   I didn't make too much eye contact with anyone, but I did the readings and spoke when it was my turn....

I said " I'm just tired....  I've been trying to quit drinking for a very long time and keep disappointing myself when I find myself drinking....  "

At that point, I didn't really care what people thought of me....  we were all there for the same reason....to get sober.

I don't think it matters how we seek help.  It just matters that we do it.....

This has to be the end of drinking for me....  One man said...I can't drink anymore!   I think that those should be my words.  I almost hate booze now.  I'm pissed that I have to start over!   I'm pissed that I have to say goodbye to my drunk buddies again.   I'm pissed that I've disappointed people I love, especially me.

The meeting was awesome!  I almost felt exhilarated when I walked out of there...like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders.   It's where I belong.  ....  a place where people understand exactly what I'm talking about...exactly what I'm going through.....

I will get to day 100 ....then day 365....  It's my turn....

We fall down, we get up.....right?

?

Big question!  How many times do I have to quit drinking before I realize that it's not the life I want??

Starting at Day 1 again really does suck.   I know a lot of you, my blogging buddies probably gave up on me.  I know I've been here before and you're probably saying " I told you so" ...and yes you were right.

The best part for me is that I didn't drink in front or around my babies.   I only disappointed me.

I'm not happy.....  drank with friends a few times, and alone, while kids were away....  back to no sleep really sucks and I already have bags under my eyes!

I don't want to drink anymore!

I'm not really sure where to start this post.   First off, thanks for all your messages.  I didn't take anything personally.... i'm just blah.....  

I took tomorrow off...mental health day....i'll call it.   

I went to the funeral this afternoon.  It was tough.  The hardest part for me was the fact that it was at the Legion (an old man's bar).   People were having a Carling in honour of Johny Boy......   I wanted a Carling in his honour.  I had a total melt down and walked out.....  

Part of me doesn't really give a shit about this sobriety thing anyway.  Part of me is saying why the fuck am I struggling and working so hard at being sober when I don't have to be.  Part of me is saying I should be able to control it now that I've gone through all this shit.   Part of me is saying it's all for nothing...   we all die eventually....   I want to die happily.    Do I want to spend the rest of my life without an ounce of booze?   The big question is ....was I happier when I was drinking or am I happier being sober?   I can't answer that today.

I don't feel happy.... that's a fact.  I can't be getting the winter blues already...there's no snow yet....

Whether we drink or not, we are going to have to deal with the stressors that are inevitable so what is the difference?

So what am I left with.... a shitty blah feeling.


I watched the youtube movie from my last post last night.  I wasn't as bad as him...as in drinking that much.  It was such a sad story....but I'll never let myself get that bad.

Why didn't I drink in the past two days?  I guess I'm afraid to disappoint people who know and understand what I'm going through.  I'm afraid to disappoint my daughter mostly.   I don't want to lose sleep either.   And, I have to believe that God is watching over me and guiding me to where I'm supposed to be....(otherwise, that liquor store would have been opened last night)

My son Facetimes me from his dad's house.  I was sober tonight and grateful for that..... if I wasn't sober, I wouldn't have answered his call ...then would have missed this beautiful moment.

God Bless.

Struggle

I haven't had a drink yet and I'm not even sure how many days I've been sober, but I don't think I'm going to make it.

I've had the worst week ever!  I'm obsessed with wanting a glass of red wine.  I'm obsessed with thinking I could just drink occasionally with my buddies.  I'm so tired of being tired and thinking of it.   Why do I obsess over this and not others who drink, probably more than me?  Fuck!  It's not fair.

Blah, blah, blah.  I know all the shit I've said for the last couple of "sober" months but the fact is....I'm not happy.  I'm lonely as shit.  I have absolutely no one in my life besides my kids and it's fucking boring, especially when they are gone to their dad's for 4 days.   

I used to drink beer with an older couple at camp.....not as much last year because the man was sick and I was trying to quit drinking.  His name is John.  John died Sunday....and I'm attending the funeral tomorrow.   I don't do well at funerals.  Anyhow, John would come by my camp often this year, inviting me up for beers by his fire.  I didn't go once, because I was in my quit drinking phase.  He died.   That sucks man.  He was the sweetest little old man....always happy, always welcoming, always making people laugh.   I should have went to see him more often.  He was sick and I think I should have made more of an effort to visit him.  Even if I would have drank beer with him....it would have been worth spending time with him.   

Like now, I sit here alone every single night.  Nobody doesn't drink.   I can't just spend the rest of my time, rotting away in this home ....alone.   I want to go out and mingle and be surrounded by happy people.   Does it really matter if booze comes into play?   Fuck.  We only live once.   Seriously!

I did go to the liquor store tonight at 7:15 PM.  It was closed.   How fucking ironic.  So, yeah, I'm miraculously sober.   

The craving and wanting the wine is stronger than wanting to be sober forever.  It's so powerful right now.   I don't know where I will be tomorrow at this time.    

I'm sorry Lynn and I'm sorry my blogging buddies.   Peace be with you who have been sober for longer than me or who are just starting out.   

This is what I will watch as I go to bed.  Maybe it will help me see things in a different light.  I'm just in such a bad place right now.

Moving Forward....

Time to be Grateful

You know, with all the shit going on in my life, I'm so so grateful to be 70 days sober!!  If I wasn't sober, I think I would be a wreck.....

I know this because the last time I went through some of the same crap, I was drinking and I was a stress bucket.

Being sober gives me a different perspective on the bullshit.   I've come to terms with the fact that we can't control other people.   Being sober has given me a great opportunity to see things a lot more clearly.   I'm not foggy anymore.  I'm more aware now of how much people impact our lives....how they impact our decisions....how they impact our stress levels.   And....with all the shit....I'm still calmer and more serene then I've ever been!   That's why I'm so grateful!  I can see clearly....

People don't piss me off as much....I can just walk away....I can not answer the phone....I can avoid.....I can stand tall and say no......   I don't take shit....I don't hide behind the bottle and let them bring me down....

I'm grateful.   Sobriety fucking rocks once you have it by the balls!!!!!!!!    I wish anyone who is where I was 71 days ago would jump in!   Because it feels good!


I met my drunk buddies for wings and tea (for me) last night.  We had some great laughs and they asked me if I was ever going to drink again.  I said " I don't want to".  I told them how calm my life has been, even though I'm going through my nasty divorce.   I told them how more able I am to cope is....  I told them, I felt fantastic......   They seemed fine...we laughed....it was nice.  We promised to meet after work once a month and I'm totally comfortable with it....I didn't flinch upon the fact that one had a beer....I didn't even want one....I didn't even think about wanting one!  That was the best part!

I had my first sober dinner party at my house.... My sisters and their kids came over for thanksgiving dinner.  It was great!  We laughed....  Had tea....  Enjoyed the kids....

I'm slowly coming back into the world as a sober gal.   I needed some Me time and it was fantastic to discover who I am without the booze....  I'm ready for people now....

I'm grateful for being sober for 70 days for the first time since I was a teenager!

I am empowered!   You are empowered!

Letter to my buddy....

I hear your questions and concerns!   

I've always wondered why I just can't be a "normal" drinker or why it bothers me so much when I did drink everyday.   Some people drink way more than me and they are considered normal or it doesn't bother them at all....   Why am I different?   

I'm different because I'm aware of what the effects of the overuse of alcohol has done to my mind, body and soul.... (Includes sleepless nights)

I'm different because I'm not the type of drinker that can only have one or even two glasses of red wine....and feel satisfied.....  I need the whole bottle and maybe another ......I drink till it's all gone....

I'm different because I think about booze all day long.....wanting the liquid to enter my body to soothe it...like an obsession....

I'm different because I am a different person when I drink.  I become someone that I've gotten to know in the last two months of sobriety......I become loud, annoying, the party animal that everyone loves and wants around to mask what they are dealing with....

I'm different because I don't want to drink everyday and found myself drinking on a daily basis anyway......alone most of the time.....

People who drink in moderation have one or two and that's it....they know their limits and stay within them.    They don't obsess with booze like I did.....they don't sit at the clock and wait till 3pm to get home to pour their glass of booze..... They don't drink alone ...they are the ones that say "wow, she drank a lot last night....doesn't she know her limits?"  They don't need to drink the whole bottle.  They don't rely on an excess amount of alcohol to unwind or calm their nerves....

Everyone has their own reasons to drink.....whether they have a problem or not, it doesn't really matter.   

I'm here today, with you because we are tired of the same old cycle.   We are admitting that we don't like the way we feel about how or why we drink.    

You wrote:  if we drink alcoholic beverages, what is the point if we have no investment in a desire for its effect, even though alcoholic drinks and their entire being, is founded in getting us intoxicated to a point.   Do they sense a light relax and then head off?   

Yes!  

That's the difference between a "normal" drinker and me......   They only need one or two to get the feeling they are looking for ....they're not looking to get drunk and they know when they've gotten their little buzz on , and they don't pass their max....they know when to stop......  I want it to last forever!.  I don't want the buzz to leave and I don't even realize when I'm buzzed, or how buzzed I am until I'm way in over my head.......so I choose to drink till it's all gone.....or till I'm ready for bed or ready to pass out....  

Moderation. 

Noun

1.  The quality of being moderate, restraint, avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance

I'm not a moderate drinker, I can't restrain from it and I don't avoid excess use of alcohol on a good day.....

How are you today?

Happy Friggen Friday!!! 

Eating junk food, hanging with kids.....they are having sleepovers here!!    ARGH!!

I'm good

I'm better than I was this morning.  Craving has passed.  I know I can't drink in moderation. I've tried it more than 20 times I think.... 
I last a few days, then bam!   Before I know it, I'm drinking everyday by myself, hiding booze from people I love, getting hungover,  feeling guilty and shity......

I'm hanging with my angels....I'm happy being a sober mom tonight....

Hugs
Jen

Red Wine!

Fuck!  I can't get the vision out of my head!  Just one glass of sparkling red wine would be so friggen amazing..... to me.

I should be able to drink red wine in moderation.  I miss it ....

Sorry....negative post....had to let it out.....

What Clicked?

I have a couple of sober pen pals and I enjoy having them in my life.  Without them, I don't know where I'd be.....    

I actually wonder if I would be drinking today if it wasn't for someone reaching out to me, telling me that my blog has helped them so much. ....  




I always believed that I have a purpose in life.  And, if I can help one person get sober, with my past experiences of trying to get there, then I've served my purpose!  Jen







It's not just about getting sober....it's about finding the thing inside of us that yearns for some clarity and freedom from the bottle.  It's about being at peace within ourselves and living life to the fullest.   It's about getting full night sleeps, getting healthy, being good moms and dads, saving money and being in total control of ourselves 24 hours a day.   It's about showing our children that they can fight any addiction or problem that comes their way!

My sober buddies and this blog are what has kept me sober for 60 days!!    I made it to 60 Days!!

One lady asked me "What clicked?'   A lot of things came together for me at once.   I read a book at camp this summer called "Drunk Mom" by Jowita Bydlowska  http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15799161-drunk-mom   The author describes in detail how she hits rock bottom and something just clicks for her.  

I think for me, it was just "the wanting" that changed dramatically.   If you read my post from around 62 days ago Wanting... or Same ole Drunk, I went from wanting booze to wanting to feel alive again.  

I was running along the country road at camp, listening to my music and the song "Good Feeling" came on.    I loved the feeling I got when I ran, and I knew that the drinking part of my life slowed me down drastically.  I was born to run.  I have the legs, strength, health and body to do it.   When I'm running, I get a euphoric feeling that I'm searching for...the one I often got when I was drinking.   I truly believe that this setting was the moment that "something clicked".  This was when I decided that I've had enough of wanting something that didn't make me feel good about myself or as the person that I wanted to be.   I also wanted sobriety for so many other reasons as well but mainly because I was tired of the fighting with my inner voice, tired of the guilt, tired of disappointing my kids, tired of spending money, tired of the lack of sleep.  I love sleep!

 

Listen to the song......the good feeling comes when something clicks and you grab the world by the friggen balls because you are soooooo done fighting with your head!!  It's freedom!

and it does get easier.....

take it from someone who has tried to quit for seven years!!

this is my longest sober time!!

Yay

Hugs

Jen  

Day 60!

Visit my new blog.  I'm going to talk about my addiction with food....and my training for a full marathon (it's on my bucket list)  I'm not going to chat about my alcohol issues there because I have friends from work and home that will be visiting that one....   Thank you so much for all your support during my journey.  Jen's Quest for a Healthy Lifestyle

I know I'm not recovered in any way....I'm always on the lookout for ....ya know....all the bullshit that comes along with trying to get sober....  

I Got Sober Because...

I read a post last night on a dear friend of mine's blog.....   She wrote her reasons for quitting drinking and I couldn't have written it better myself.   It was a great reminder of why I'm here, sober on Day 59!!!

Here is the link.  It's a must read:   http://ohfortheloveofme.blogspot.ca/2013/10/i-got-sober-because.html

I will admit that the biggest reason out of all those was my sleep!!  Boy oh boy, did I ever spend countless amounts of restless nights, tossing and turning and tossing and turning and waking up to get Tylenol or Advil and water....so that I wouldn't be as hungover the next morning when I had to go into work.    I hated not getting my rest!   It pissed me off so much, how can someone live off minimum amount of sleep....   And of course, my alcoholic mind tried to convince myself that I had Insomnia.   I researched Insomnia and tried to cure my sleeplessness with some of their suggestions.   Needless to say, nothing worked.   Nothing worked until I stopped drinking!    Now, my sleeps are deep.  I do wake up to pee once in a while ( I am over 40 ya know) but I fall immediately fall asleep instead of tossing and turning.

In the past couple of weeks, I have thought of drinking ....a lot..... but I always think back to the way I felt two months ago.....spiralling out of control....just lost....and wanting more booze on a daily basis.....not sleeping....disappointing my kids....feeling the guilty.....feeling shitty everyday.   

That's why I haven't picked up again!

Hugs 

Jen
Day friggen 59!!

Our Mind is Messy, Isn't It?

It's funny how our mind's play with us.  

I woke up feeling ready for my three day fast.  It's a cleanse where I'm supposed to enjoy the quiet and stillness of the mind.  

It's also Thanksgiving Weekend.  How often did I think today....  Fuck It ....I'm never going to quit drinking forever..... I'm just going to hang with some buddies and drink and laugh and be merry....and not be alone....just like the rest of the world!

I cried.

I cried because I feel like I'm missing out on having fun with people.  I'm lonely.  Who the hell stays alone on Thanksgiving weekend to fast for 3 days and not drink!  I miss my kids too.   They should be with me and not that friggen asshole that thinks the world revolves around him. ... oops...

Then, something happened to me....

I heard the sound of a Blue Jay.  Now, these birds are extremely, extremely spiritual to me.  If you read my old blog, I should have a post telling you why....it was a story about when I hit rock bottom and these 3 Bluejays landed on my deck....kinda like my 3 kids telling me....you'll be okay mommy....  I will try to find the post and link it here somehow.    Anyhow, I stood up from the sofa and low and behold, the bird was in my front yard, creating his beautiful sounds.  Now if that wasn't God talking to me.....

I got off the couch and realized that I'm good.  I'm really good actually.  I love my body, soul and mind too much to give in to indulging into alcohol like I use to....

I put in a nice long run today....10KM ...and at one point I thought I was floating on water.  I looked over at my shadow and felt a presence running with me.   It was one of the most amazing run I have ever had.

If you'd like to read my journey on my 3 Days to Vitality Cleanse, click on this link....http://3days2vitality.blogspot.ca

Enjoy your evening!
Jen
Day 58

It's Been a Helluva Friday!!

I got to work today and my old drunk buddies came to see me to talk about how much fun they had at the staff get together last night....  I could smell the booze coming out of their pores.  I've never really smelled booze on people "the day after".   I was told that I smelled aweful a few times....but I always thought people were shitting me.

Anyhow,  they were both beyond hungover....even had to leave to "get sick" a couple of times.  

I don't miss that.   Did I miss the social part of it?  Yes ...very much so.....I miss my buds.  I miss the laughing, letting loose, friendships that I had before.   But I don't really miss the " people talking about how much I drank the night before " part.   One guy couldn't believe how much they drank and had a very tough time understanding why they couldn't pace themselves....  I didn't respond.


I wanted to say:   When people have a problem with alcohol, they CAN'T pace themselves.  They can't just have one or two and be okay with that.   They want more....they want to forget more.....they want to numb the bullshit and not worry for one damn evening about all the problems and stress in their lives.  I wanted to say that he would never be able to understand why because he doesn't have a problem with alcohol   He could have it or leave it....as they say....

Anyhow I watched them suffer all day....and laughed....(sorry, but it was funny because I could have been there if I'd have listened to Wolfie!)

My old drinking buddy begged me to go on a road trip with her so that I wouldn't be alone for Thanksgiving Weekend.

Yes, I'm totally alone.   My kids went to their daddy's which makes me feel very sad.


Here are my options:

a)  Visit my mom and dad about 4  hours away...They are heavy drinkers and cannot go one day without booze.   I'm just not ready to be there right now.  

b)  Go on a road trip to Toronto with my old drinking buddy who yes....loves to drink and party....she was one of the hungover girls today.

c)  Drink with my parents and sisters and have a wild friggen weekend of not thinking and dealing with my stressors

d)  Drink with my drinking buddy all weekend and forget about everyone and all the loneliness I feel.

e)  Drink alone all weekend and have friends come over to drink with me.....get some shit done around here that's been in the works

f)  Follow a Three Days to Vitality Cleanse.  


I choose f!   I have a food addiction!  I have been struggling for a while with food, eating emotionally and probably eating to fill my alcohol void.  I want that to stop.  I've tried a variety of "diets" or new ways of living and I am weak!!  I love food too much.

Last week I was looking through some ebooks I could download and I came across this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Days-Vitality-Cleanse-Clear-Spirit/dp/0060928867







I haven't had time to read through the whole book yet, however, I'm convinced that this is exactly what I need this weekend.  I want a fresh start!  I want to feel more alive, more spiritual, more complete, more content, and more in control of my life.

The book talks about cleaning the internal state of well-being with emotional, physical, and spiritual systems that work together and support each other.  

I went out to buy the food that I needed for this fast.  I am completely committing myself to this...   When will I ever have three full days by myself to find myself, my inner core and my spirit!!!

As we know, blogging has helped us with our sobrieties.  So, in order for me to work on my Food Addiction, I have created a blog about my journey....beginning with this cleanse!!

I've posted the link to my new blog up above (in tab) and here.  This is where I will be all weekend.....   Sober!!   Clean!   Clear minded!  Whole!

I hope to see you there..... (please don't post anything about this blog there)

http://3days2vitality.blogspot.ca

Staff Party # ?

I'm not going to staff "get together" tonight....

One ... I'm a little weak.....
Two ...I have my kids.......

I could leave them alone for an hour just to pop in and say hi to everyone, but then my drinking buds will not want me to stay sober nor leave....

It's just a friggen vicious cycle, isn't it?

Who Am I Now?

I've been alone all weekend.   I caught up on some work and got to check off a lot of things from my To-Do list.    I even did some personal reading and re-arranged my furniture downstairs to create a little zen room for some quiet time.....to hopefully begin meditating on a regular basis....

I've also been doing a lot of soul searching....  I started reading a book called....

....which I discovered at my workshop last week.  The guest speaker referred to this book often.  It was ironic because I had just read a post about types of personality, extrovert or introvert.   

I took an online test called "Are you an introvert or extrovert test" at http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/quiet-quiz-are-you-an-introvert/   

The first time I took it, this was my score:

Your personality profile: I/E.      (I = Introvert. E = Extrovert)

E/I = Ambivert.    If you answered the questions evenly, true and false, you're probably an ambivert - meaning that you fall smack in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum. In many ways, ambiverts have the best of both worlds, able to tap into either pole as needed.

The second time I took it, this was my score:

Your personality profile: I.        

I = Introvert. If you answered the majority of the questions true, you're probably an introvert.  Given the choice, you'll devote your social energy to the people you care about most, preferring a glass of wine with a close friend to a party full of strangers. You think before you speak, and relish solitude. You feel energized when focusing deeply on a subject or activity that really interests you. You have an active inner life, and are at your best when you tap into its riches.

So.....I asked random contacts, friends, family what type personality would best describe me and here are the responses I got.....

Son

Sister

       

Drinking Buddy

Sister

Neighbour

Friend

Sister

According to the test, I'm closer to being an introvert..... 
According to most of my contacts, I'm closer to being an extrovert.....

Now, this topic is very important to someone like me because all my life I have been a very extroverted person.   I know that alcohol played a very important role in this type personality for me because of course, when I drank, I became a different person altogether....   The people in my life think of me as an extrovert because I was haywire half the time....a different person....a social butterfly, crazy, loud, annoying, not afraid to speak my mind...  

I really don't think that this is who I am....anymore......or who I want to be......

I like ME time.... I like to read... I like to think in my head and make my own decisions......I like quiet time....I need my mind to be clear from noise .... 

Being extrovert.....the social butterfly is tiring.....

Susan Cain writes..... The single most important aspect of personality is where we fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum.  We're told that to be great is to be bold, to be happy is to be sociable.  We see ourselves as a nation of extroverts-which means that we've lost sight of who we really are.

Wow!  What a great discovery of who I am..... or who I want to be.....

I'm tired of the pressure of being the extroverted person at the table.  I'm tired of society telling me that I'm not normal or happy because I don't drink or want to be the life of the party anymore.  I'm tired of the noises, the thinking, the booze.....

It is time for me to tune into my inner world and discover the treasures that can be found there.  It's time for quiet time.....without the guilt of wanting it....

I can't wait to continue reading this book .....

Sober Jen
Hugs

Day 50 Done!

Been working on a post but not done!   I must hit the sack. Just checking in with my peeps!   I'm exhausted!

What to be?

Well, I'm here.  At day 50.  I honestly don't feel as excited as I was when I reached Day 40.  Isn't that messed.  

I'm so close to beating my record of non-drinking days.  I do feel more empowered than I ever did before.  But, I'm also lonelier.  

My buddy invited me to go help her paint her house tonight.  I know it will be an activity where alcohol is involved.  I have been avoiding her for 50 days.    And, she is going through a messy separation.  I haven't been there to support her at all.  What a suck ass friend I've been.  She must think I don't like her anymore and I could see despair in her eyes every time she wants to get together and I have an excuse not to.

Yesterday, I read someone's blog really quickly.   It got me thinking of what type of personality I am.... and it's ironic that types of personalities were also discussed at a workshop I attended yesterday.  

I was an extroverted person.....50 days ago.....but lately I'm feeling very introverted.   I don't feel like talking to anyone or being around anyone.  I'm not sure why.  I just want to be alone, to do the shit that I need to do and take care of the stuff that is on my to-do list.  I have decided to study these two types of personality to find out if one can go from being extrovert to introvert. Can one even change personalities or are we wired to be one or the other?

Does anyone have any good reads on this subject?

The big question for me today is :  Extrovert or Introvert......what to be?

Trouble Breathing

I am literally having trouble breathing with the stress in my life.  I've taken on too much.  I don't even have time to blog or read blogs and now....I'm caught ....thinking way too much of a way out.   I want to drink!

Last year, when I reached 50 days... I drank a few days later.   Now, I know why!  I feel the same friggen way.  I haven't been around adults in almost 50 days, besides the work setting.   I'm fucking exhausted, going through this divorce with an asshole, my kids are selfish and disrespectful.....now I'm the manager of a hockey team, I'm a leader of a group at work, and my boss asked me to take on another project that begins next year and ends next year.   I didn't hand in shit that was due yesterday.  My house is a friggen mess....  I don't even know why!  Yes it's easy to say....just say no Jen....but you must know that's easier said than done!

I  can't keep up!  

I went to meditation class tonight and had a total melt down after the session.   Strangers were hugging me because I couldn't stop crying.  Now, even though I haven't had a good cry in a very long time and my body probably needed it, that was just plain embarrassing.   Why was I upset?  Someone was laughing in the hall, and it was distracting me from my 20 minutes of meditation ....the ME time I get to myself once a week.    The only 20 minutes I get in a week to get out of my mind and body.   I couldn't tonight because of that asshole, who knew we were all in there trying to meditate, was rude and inconsiderate.!


The coach looked at me and said' "ahh...good.... goood for you....it's all part of the release....you needed that..."    yadda, yadda, yadda.   What the fuck does he know what I need?     I know what I need and you all know what this fucked up mind is thinking.   

I know I need to go to bed ...like an hour ago.   I'm going to watch TV for an hour under my big soft warm blankets and go to bed. 


I forgot to take my Vitamin Bs today ...damn it!

Friday Night Ritual

Conversation between my drinking buddy and I last night!

**First Excuse....

*** 2nd Excuse.....
















Still sober!  Sometimes miss my drinking buddies.... but don't really miss the drinking part.....
I'm feeling so healthy right now.....i don't want to change that....

I'm glad I said no....  made me realize that I'm not a bad friend for saying no.....my friend was trying to fill her boredom.....it wasn't about me at all!